To Whom it May Concern:

I understand that you are very patriotic. You seem to love this country very much. I do too! It’s a great place, really. However, I am worried that you’re missing something. May I be frank? I think that celebrating the Fourth of July a full five days in advance is overkill. Not only that, but I have an overly excitable dog who really, really despises the way you show how much you love the U.S.A. The Fourth is awful enough; must you make the week before and after the loud day horrible as well?

Anyways, I just thought I’d write, in case you had no idea how annoying you were.